Building Intimacy

Let us now turn to a subject which I am quite sure no one has ever stopped to question: after all, how should we build our intimacy?

Build Intimacy?  What do you mean?

In the current model of building a love relationship, what we do is much more a deconstruction, or rather a destruction of intimacy, than a construction.

Otherwise, let's see...

In the current model of lovemaking, we are primarily driven by our sexual instincts.  Women are not so much focused on this, although primarily questions of appearance and attitude are the ones that will generate interest in having intimacy with someone.  But in the case of men, what really counts is the physical appearance of the woman, and how much he feels attracted to her.

Then we move on to the approach, the conversation...

Well, let's not consider that the new generations no longer care about this traditional model of seduction, flirting, talking to get to know each other...  They already lead for the french kiss!  And if the circumstances, and the environment are favorable, many are already going for sex itself.  Girls today often make it easier by wearing very short dresses and no panties underneath.

Anyway, but let's leave aside these extreme cases of insane objectivity, and let's look at the traditional model of seduction, which also has flaws!

In the traditional model, somewhat forgotten nowadays, there is the first meeting.  Good sense always say that you should not have sex in this first meeting!  Just a good conversation to get to know each other better, evaluate compatibility, common tastes, a bit of personality, things like that.  But let's not fool ourselves: the will to grab each other is already huge, they are extremely horny!

Then comes the second meeting, and a lot of people already think it's time to let go the inhibitions and give in to the heat.  And many give!  But that is where the deconstruction of intimacy begins...

Everyone assumes that with all the existing pornographic culture, many are true sex professionals, and they know very well what they have to do when the time comes.  But it is not quite like this...

He likes it rough, to penetrate into different positions, some may be extremely uncomfortable.  He likes to pull her hair, to throw thrusts in an insane jackhammer style, without any sense of pity for the female genital.  He just wants to show that he has plenty of resistance and can take a long time pumping without ejaculating.

This seems to be the ideal sexual performance, "The Man", the one who truly knows what he wants!  But he also wants to penetrate behind...

So?  Did you find the "Man" of your dreams?  You, woman... was that just what you wished for?  Some may indeed like this type of performance.  But...  What if this is not your case?  Let's say you expected a guy with a more tantric take, who enjoys the moment more slowly, tenderly...  But no!  He is the typical porn actor, who learned to fuck watching movies.  He likes it!  But what about you, woman?  Is that really what you wanted?  At some point did you stop to tell him how you like to have your sexual relationship?  And even if you did, did he get the message?

But let's say you enjoyed it!  There, you've met the man of your life!  Then you decide to marry him.  You both get married.  But the whole thing starts to get into a routine.  It begins to get boring, that whole sexual juggling.  Let's say you start having vaginal problems with all this rough pumping without mercy.  You begin to have a more protective attitude from this repetitive "sexual violence".

He begins to realize your disinterest in what you always had sexually.  But he thought it was all right, it was all you ever wanted from his point of view!

Do you understand now why I say it is a "deconstruction" of intimacy?

Of course, I'm not considering here those situations where the guy is even loving, has an interest in the tantric thing, but never heard of it!  And he fails to have an erection on the first time.  Okay, it's normal, he's anxious... But he fails also on the second time, and you start to think he may have a serious problem and that he needs to deal with a psychologist.  You even liked the guy, but...  Maybe it's just friendship!

Wow!  This is death for him!  So what?  He cannot be the "Porn Actor", but that does not mean he has to be dismissed!  But he wishes to be the "Porn Actor," and he will chase this kind of performance so that he can please women like you.  But that's not him, who he really is...

What about the woman?  What does she really want, sexually?  The Porn Actor might be cool, the "Wild Sex" thing...  But at some point this whole mechanical thing gets boring! Or does it not?  How to get to know what's best?  Do you really know yourself?  Do you usually think about sex?  Have you ever allowed yourself to think about sex?  Or do you usually believe in the litany of society that this is a sin?  A family woman should be demure...  But men usually expects you to be a sex professional in bed!  How to be this kind of "professional" without thinking, or even exercising your sexuality?

But let's consider the one that does think a lot about sex!  She does want sex all the time!  She is used to masturbating a lot, she has a loose sexuality.  She wants to have several men, She does not want commitment because she knows that with time, and with routine, that gets really boring.  She lives well by herself, she does not give a damn about marriage!  She knows her body, she is happy with it, always seeks to maintain a good shape in academies.  Maybe she even flirts in these academies.  But nothing goes for too long!  She just wants sex for that quick relieve on that horny feeling.  But there are those days when that emptiness in the chest gets heavy... Loneliness comes smashing!

I may seem to be running away from the subject in this last story.  But not really!

I have spoken in previous texts about the importance of deep self-awareness, and of developing your spiritual awareness, because only then can we truly be happy and able to have a healthy sexual relationship.  Does this "Free Woman" really know herself?  Does she know the needs of the spirit?  And if this casual sex is so good, why is she always looking for more in other partners?  Does it really make her happy?  Or is she just seeking satisfaction from her addiction, an escape attitude to forget the pain that resides in her soul?  The lack of awareness of being a spirit in a body, not a body with a spirit inside, that will die together with the body.

Can you visualize this deconstruction of intimacy?  We have very much difficulty even in having intimacy with ourselves.  How can we expect to have intimacy with another person!

A relationship, be it a long term one or not, should not be initiated solely based on sexual instincts.  Sex should not be the priority for starting a relationship, whether a long term one or not.  Even if it is intended to be enduring, it is doomed to be a disaster.

Sex must originate from within each of us, and it is from exercising our sexuality that we will be able to take on a healthy two-sexual relationship.

In previous texts I have already talked about the importance of self-knowledge, in a spiritual way first, and in a sexual way as well, since we already have the awareness of knowing who we really are.  This is extremely important.  But once these needs are met, once the person knows itself in a spiritual and sexual way, already knows his/her erogenous zones, already knows how he/she likes to be caressed, already has total control of his/her orgasms, already became a person full and happy with him/herself... Only then it will be time to share this with someone!  And it should be a relationship of sharing, not a co-dependency relationship of one another,  And neither a use and disposal relationship as well!

A loving relationship should begin as a pleasurable friendship, where one intimately and spiritually, knows one another.  Since each one is already known in this way, this becomes something natural and fluid.

But that's not all!  It is not enough to simply, in a next step, take off the clothes and go for sex.  It is important to discuss your preferences, each one has its own, what each one enjoys sexually, considering that they have already discovered themselves in this way.  It is interesting, in the process of constructing this intimacy, that the two of them first become accustomed to seeing themselves naked, and that they feel comfortable to run out of clothes with each other presence.

For the first time, the ideal is to repeat, in a way, the rules of the "First Encounter": Simply position yourselves without clothes, one in front of the other, just enjoying each other's "Temple" with respect, with admiration, with affection.  They should begin with a meditative, naturist posture, feeling only the presence of one another, and appreciating this presence being fully present, thinking of nothing else, no accounts to pay, or having to fetch the children at school.  They're just there for each other, not thinking about time.  This is how the "Being Present" is exercised.

Talk naturally.  Obviously on matters of an intimate order!  In a second meeting, still with the intention of improving this intimacy with each other, it may be interesting to only show how they masturbate.  Masturbating in front of the person you love can be a challenge, since it is no longer a solitary act of self-pleasure, but something that already begins to be shared.  But it is in this observation of each other that the partners will begin to learn how each one likes to stimulate itself sexually, where each one likes to be caressed and in what way.

In a third moment, with this intimacy increasing more and more, you can already start to exchange caresses with each other, once you have learned how each one likes to be stimulated and caressed.  Do not worry about penetration this time, just enjoy once more the touch of each other being fully present in the moment.  In this way, with this increasing intimacy, the inhibitions disappear, the anxieties dissolve, and the whole thing flows naturally, in ways that at the right moment the penetration will simply be something natural and very pleasurable.

And please, forget the insane jackhammer!  A vagina is not a cylinder!  It is not a "hole" that needs to be drilled or pumped.  The penetration should be a massage, a caress between the genitals.  Even if they resolve to experience even anal penetration, and especially in this regard, considering that the anus does not have the lubrication that has the vagina, that should be very slow, in a rhythm of massage and caress.

And touch each other!  Touch is the most important element in a sexual relationship, and it should be applied in the whole body.  Remember: we always have sexual relationships with a person, a spirit in a body of flesh, someone of will and wishes, and not just a genital.

Once again, I want to emphasize that this model of intimacy development is valid for heterosexual and homosexual couples.